FUNSTUFF
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| Meet "Joe Cool (in 1959)" and his nephew, "Officer Cuddles of the Greater Omentum Police Department". Both remain classic examples of ego run amok and both do their own nude scenes. |
The following will hopefully enlighten the gentle reader of the activities of Officer Cuddles and his stalwart and
brave but dim fellow officers.
brave but dim fellow officers.
PROUDLY stand the officers of the Greater Omentum Police Department, who adhere to their motto "Rotundus nullius filius", meaning "round son of no man", or "Fat Bastard". They take their job seriously. Really. |
"Greater Omentum" is not only the name of the place
where Officer Cuddles works and calls home, it is also
the anatomically correct name for "beer gut"
where Officer Cuddles works and calls home, it is also
the anatomically correct name for "beer gut"
Officer Cuddles takes pride in providing public information regarding certain threats within the community, and
helps the staff and officers stay on top of current law enforcement techniques by way of the
GREATER OMENTUM POLICE DEPARTMENT HANDBOOK OF GANG IDENTIFICATION
and OTHER STUFF THEY SHOULD KNOW ANYWAY
This chapter covers the signs of gang activity in our community. Officer Cuddles works closely with Officer Smirker
to provide timely information about on this growing menace. These mature urban members of the North Emerson
Ladies Sewing Circle and Street Gang have been called extremely dangerous. Officer Cuddles warns not to
provoke any confrontation as many members carry concealed weapons masquerading as joint replacements and
surgical stainless steel screws embedded in the metatarsal area, which would hurt like hell should the gang
member claim self-defense and lay one right in the officer’s kahuntas. Ow.
helps the staff and officers stay on top of current law enforcement techniques by way of the
GREATER OMENTUM POLICE DEPARTMENT HANDBOOK OF GANG IDENTIFICATION
and OTHER STUFF THEY SHOULD KNOW ANYWAY
This chapter covers the signs of gang activity in our community. Officer Cuddles works closely with Officer Smirker
to provide timely information about on this growing menace. These mature urban members of the North Emerson
Ladies Sewing Circle and Street Gang have been called extremely dangerous. Officer Cuddles warns not to
provoke any confrontation as many members carry concealed weapons masquerading as joint replacements and
surgical stainless steel screws embedded in the metatarsal area, which would hurt like hell should the gang
member claim self-defense and lay one right in the officer’s kahuntas. Ow.
The hand sign shown at left is the only one associated with the North Emerson gang but can
occasionally be seen flashed by old hippies (including Joe Cool) and misinformed Star Trek fans.
First used by a great number of citizens in the 1960’s it is used very little under the current rule of
government and considered outdated and inappropriate by today’s standards. However, the North
Emerson Gang likes it. So there.
occasionally be seen flashed by old hippies (including Joe Cool) and misinformed Star Trek fans.
First used by a great number of citizens in the 1960’s it is used very little under the current rule of
government and considered outdated and inappropriate by today’s standards. However, the North
Emerson Gang likes it. So there.
This is an example of the territorial identity badge worn in conjunction with gang style clothing. Members usually
wear baggy jeans, loose fitting sweat or t-shirts and white tennis shoes. These gang members can be heard
opening a conversation by saying “Hi!” and closing with “have a nice day”. -ooOOOoo!!- Subversive!
wear baggy jeans, loose fitting sweat or t-shirts and white tennis shoes. These gang members can be heard
opening a conversation by saying “Hi!” and closing with “have a nice day”. -ooOOOoo!!- Subversive!
The only known graffiti used by the North Emerson Street Gang is shown at left. Usually found in
the margins of notes written to and from individual gang members, and occasionally on other
paperwork. It is not unknown but extremely rare to find this gang identification sign on the outside
of any structure. It is, however, found in massive quantities inside their gang hangout, a large
box-like structure full of gang-related objects and guarded by little old men in blue vests.
the margins of notes written to and from individual gang members, and occasionally on other
paperwork. It is not unknown but extremely rare to find this gang identification sign on the outside
of any structure. It is, however, found in massive quantities inside their gang hangout, a large
box-like structure full of gang-related objects and guarded by little old men in blue vests.
Another vital tool for identifying gang members is a catalog of gang tattoos. Here is an example of the various
individualized tattoos associated with the North Emerson gang. These diminutive and numerous tattoos are
usually found on the back of each hand, shoulders and sometimes on faces, usually across the nose, and are
colored shades of brown.
individualized tattoos associated with the North Emerson gang. These diminutive and numerous tattoos are
usually found on the back of each hand, shoulders and sometimes on faces, usually across the nose, and are
colored shades of brown.
So far gang activity in Greater Omentum has been limited to early morning rumbles at the local mall between the Blue-Haired Mall
Walkers and the North Emerson Sewing Circle gangs. Threats of "I'll sew you to the bench" and the frightening retaliation cry of "oh
yeah?" rally Officer Cuddles, Officer Smirker, and Officer Jiggles to settle explosive situations before they get a chance to start. Just
think! The personal risks undertaken by these brave officers just to keep us safe are above and beyond the call. Wow.
A NEW MEMBER OF THE GANG UNIT (June 2007); We are pleased to introduce Officer Baldo Strut as the new Greater Omentum
Police Department’s Street Gang Coordinator, replacing Officer Smirker, who now lives in Argentina under an assumed name.
Walkers and the North Emerson Sewing Circle gangs. Threats of "I'll sew you to the bench" and the frightening retaliation cry of "oh
yeah?" rally Officer Cuddles, Officer Smirker, and Officer Jiggles to settle explosive situations before they get a chance to start. Just
think! The personal risks undertaken by these brave officers just to keep us safe are above and beyond the call. Wow.
A NEW MEMBER OF THE GANG UNIT (June 2007); We are pleased to introduce Officer Baldo Strut as the new Greater Omentum
Police Department’s Street Gang Coordinator, replacing Officer Smirker, who now lives in Argentina under an assumed name.
| UPDATE: GREATER OMENTUM POLICE DEPARTMENT OFFICER TRAINING CLARIFICATION OF THE OBLIGATORY “G.O.M.E.R.” EXAM (GREATER OMENTUM MEASURES EXECRABLE “ RAP”) |
| Note the photo at left. Is this an example of (a) a black hole (b) a full moon (c) both Correct answer: (c) both |
| As you can see, all choices are correct. Having only one correct answer would cause too many officers to fail and cause terrible confusion for the others. These thoroughly trained professionals are encouraged to make individual interpretations of each and every law. This seemingly unbiased method usually gives a favorable decision to which of the parties has the biggest….. The complete practice exam was recently taken and passed by Officer Cuddles and a civilian participant (pictured at left), who has been provided with identity protection. Heaven knows what would happen if Cuddles found out he had the lower score for taking too much time to answer the question. This also officially qualifies Cuddles to hold the title of "Number Two". Isn’t it reassuring to know that the Greater Omentum Police Department’s ongoing training is…. well….. ongoing? |
| A SCIENTIFIC STUDY TO DETERMINE THE EFFECTS OF RAP “MUSIC” ON LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND OTHER LIVING THINGS A typical question in the G.O.M.E.R. Exam worth 30 points (a passing score), to be answered after thirty minutes of hearing loud “rap”, generously sprinkled with vulgar words and phrases: |
| For all the news from Greater Omentum's Police Department, The Colon County Sheriff's Office, and The North Emerson Ladies Sewing Circle and Street Gang |
| WELCOME TO GREATER OMENTUM A PROTECTED COMMUNITY |
| FLASHFEST 2005 |
Greater Omentum recently celebrated its annual "FlashFest" , and due to the influx of participants from other cities, Officer
Cuddles took on the responsibility of recruiting additional law enforcement officers as a deterrent lest the "Flashies" decide to
have fun. Unfortunately, these new recruits lacked training in the fine art of making the final decision as to the Greater Omentum
Police Department's interpretation of what is lewd and what is not.
Cuddles took on the responsibility of recruiting additional law enforcement officers as a deterrent lest the "Flashies" decide to
have fun. Unfortunately, these new recruits lacked training in the fine art of making the final decision as to the Greater Omentum
Police Department's interpretation of what is lewd and what is not.
For example, While on patrol on "The Ave", Officer Ogle of the Club
House Police Department was observed displaying a moment of
indecision before using his new taser on the lady he assumed to be
a threat to the community:
House Police Department was observed displaying a moment of
indecision before using his new taser on the lady he assumed to be
a threat to the community:
Officer Cuddles, ever vigilant, saw this
indecision and told Officer Ogle to
quickly use his taser as handcuffs
would prove difficult to control this
dangerous detainee who claimed to
be disabled. Officer Cuddles, always
prepared, provided Officer Ogle with a
photo from the Greater Omentum
Police Department's Training Manual,
showing what is and what is not
acceptable:
indecision and told Officer Ogle to
quickly use his taser as handcuffs
would prove difficult to control this
dangerous detainee who claimed to
be disabled. Officer Cuddles, always
prepared, provided Officer Ogle with a
photo from the Greater Omentum
Police Department's Training Manual,
showing what is and what is not
acceptable:
A rumor that Officer Cuddles posed for the photo showing the legal show of skin is unproven. There will, however, be a
hearing on the matter to take place sometime in 2015. Such serious offences take time to study, investigate and prove. (At
least ten years according to past misuse of police power allegations.)
hearing on the matter to take place sometime in 2015. Such serious offences take time to study, investigate and prove. (At
least ten years according to past misuse of police power allegations.)
| FLASHFEST 2006 |
Officer Cuddles again assumed the responsibility of providing additional officers to
assist with Flashfest Crowd Control, and hired Officer Streaker of the Fremont Police
Department, pictured at left, to help prevent participants from having any fun at all.
Officer Streaker is a stalwart, stark-naked-except-for-body-paint professional whose
creative uniform is appropriate for the hot weather usually associated with Flashfest.
Officer Cuddles stated the concern regarding Officer Streaker’s ability to
communicate with Flashfest participants is unfounded. Although Officer Streaker
speaks fluent “Fremont” and dangles his participles, Officer Cuddles hopes this
example of cultural diversity be unconditionally accepted and any anticipated outrage
by the uptight citizens of Greater Omentum be considered an insensitive reaction to a
different culture.
Although Greater Omentum's "Family Fun Flashfest Festival" requires many
additional law enforcement officers for crowd control, none - zero - zip - nadda are in
attendance at the Fremont Solstice Parade. Goodness.
Our reporter is convinced that Officer Streaker is really cool and Officer Cuddles is a
dork
.Stop by our links page to find more photos of stark-naked-except- for-body-paint
participants in previous Fremont Solstice Parades, and information about the Annual
Summer Solstice Parade held at the Center of the Universe. It is a wonderful event.
assist with Flashfest Crowd Control, and hired Officer Streaker of the Fremont Police
Department, pictured at left, to help prevent participants from having any fun at all.
Officer Streaker is a stalwart, stark-naked-except-for-body-paint professional whose
creative uniform is appropriate for the hot weather usually associated with Flashfest.
Officer Cuddles stated the concern regarding Officer Streaker’s ability to
communicate with Flashfest participants is unfounded. Although Officer Streaker
speaks fluent “Fremont” and dangles his participles, Officer Cuddles hopes this
example of cultural diversity be unconditionally accepted and any anticipated outrage
by the uptight citizens of Greater Omentum be considered an insensitive reaction to a
different culture.
Although Greater Omentum's "Family Fun Flashfest Festival" requires many
additional law enforcement officers for crowd control, none - zero - zip - nadda are in
attendance at the Fremont Solstice Parade. Goodness.
Our reporter is convinced that Officer Streaker is really cool and Officer Cuddles is a
dork
.Stop by our links page to find more photos of stark-naked-except- for-body-paint
participants in previous Fremont Solstice Parades, and information about the Annual
Summer Solstice Parade held at the Center of the Universe. It is a wonderful event.
| NIGHT COURT AT FLASHFEST 2006 |
Once again, Officer Cuddles coordinated a special night court to deal with those
receiving citations for having fun at Flashfest. Since cameras are not allowed in the
courtroom, our reporter obtained copies of drawings by an incredibly-talented
professional courtroom artist showing Judge Aminita Snarles handing out sentences
at Flashfest 2005.
Judge Snarles shows no compassion for those who ordinarily wear clothing sized in
the single digits, and requires all defendants to participate in “Pudge Pinchers”
rehabilitation program, (a behavior-modification franchise owned by Judge Snarles
and coordinated by Wendy MacDonald and Arbee King) for those who must stop
infrequent and uninhibited acts inspired by outside influences. “They just don’t know
what nice is”, said Judge Snarles, who then returned to yelling at the young women,
for the promise of a string of carnival beads, had briefly exposed a portion of their
anatomy deemed lewd by the laws of Greater Ometum and enthusiastically enforced
by police officers who obviously ate too many donuts.
Since Greater Omentum doesn’t have other crime for the police to pursue, looking for
young women pulling up their shirts is enough to put Flashfest detail on danger pay.
Goodness! Between that and looking for cigarette smokers, this personal peril
deserves praise!
receiving citations for having fun at Flashfest. Since cameras are not allowed in the
courtroom, our reporter obtained copies of drawings by an incredibly-talented
professional courtroom artist showing Judge Aminita Snarles handing out sentences
at Flashfest 2005.
Judge Snarles shows no compassion for those who ordinarily wear clothing sized in
the single digits, and requires all defendants to participate in “Pudge Pinchers”
rehabilitation program, (a behavior-modification franchise owned by Judge Snarles
and coordinated by Wendy MacDonald and Arbee King) for those who must stop
infrequent and uninhibited acts inspired by outside influences. “They just don’t know
what nice is”, said Judge Snarles, who then returned to yelling at the young women,
for the promise of a string of carnival beads, had briefly exposed a portion of their
anatomy deemed lewd by the laws of Greater Ometum and enthusiastically enforced
by police officers who obviously ate too many donuts.
Since Greater Omentum doesn’t have other crime for the police to pursue, looking for
young women pulling up their shirts is enough to put Flashfest detail on danger pay.
Goodness! Between that and looking for cigarette smokers, this personal peril
deserves praise!
| Judge Aminita Snarles |
| FLASHFEST 2007 |
This is a proud moment for the Greater Omentum Police Department. The crowds on “The Ave” didn’t
materialize this year thanks to a series of “public service” messages stating “we’re gonna getcha if you
even think about breaking our laws”. These announcements were very effective as law enforcement
presence on “The Ave” was greater than the “flashies”.
As a matter of interest, the special night court for Flashfest offenders was so boring, Judge Snarles made
an investigative field trip to “The Ave” and was promptly arrested by Deputy Polyp of the Colon County
Sheriff’s patrol for indecent exposure. The windy conditions blew her courtroom robe up and exposed
pink undies and bumpy buns.
Luckily, our reporter was on the scene and took the photo at left as Judge Snarles was subjected to the
new “on-the-spot strip search” ordinance drafted by Officer Cuddles. Our reporter had difficulties
keeping the camera steady due to an extreme case of the giggles. Judge Snarles was not amused.
| FLASHFEST 2008 |
Due to heavy police presence on "The Ave", this year's Flashies
formed a theatrical group and presented a play for the enjoyment of
all Flashfest participants together with the long-suffering law
enforcement officers who protect and serve. Yeah.
Mr. Freel Feeley, well known author and former Flashie, offered a
Feeley Freebie and adapted his brilliant novel "To Feel A Cop" for
the Duwadim Players' first performance. Based on the true story of
an unfortunate police officer's personal injury suffered while
subduing a reluctant and dangerous suspect, Officer Cuddles
delighted his many fans with a performance reminiscent of actually
having lived the true story of Officer Dick.
Breastly Spitzer gave a wonderful performance as the dangerous
woman who put the squeeze on Officer Dick, and Puppy
Chihuahua's tender portrayal of Officer Dick's left testicle was, in a
nutshell, spectacular.
This play was a masterful representation of pure theater art. We
look forward to more plays based on the true life experiences of law
enforcement personnel.
Deputy Melvin "Poot" Polyp’s assistance at Flashfest 2007 proved so valuable, he is now a
full-time consultant for the Greater Omentum Police Department. His specialty of
flushing out criminals is a result of his intense course of study while earning his B.
S. degree in Scatology. His expertise in law enforcement allows him to sniff out
illegal marijuana and poppy plants, mushrooms and other natural organic
substances used by responsible adults for religious and entertainment purposes
only.
Deputy Polyp must remain anonymous so his features have been erased from
the photo. His identity is proven by a characteristic hairstyle.
Criminals beware! Deputy Polyp and Bong, his marijuana-sniffing police dog, are
on the job!
full-time consultant for the Greater Omentum Police Department. His specialty of
flushing out criminals is a result of his intense course of study while earning his B.
S. degree in Scatology. His expertise in law enforcement allows him to sniff out
illegal marijuana and poppy plants, mushrooms and other natural organic
substances used by responsible adults for religious and entertainment purposes
only.
Deputy Polyp must remain anonymous so his features have been erased from
the photo. His identity is proven by a characteristic hairstyle.
Criminals beware! Deputy Polyp and Bong, his marijuana-sniffing police dog, are
on the job!
| WE INTRODUCE DEPUTY POLYP OF THECOLON COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE |
Deputy Polyp also owns and operates “THE RUNS”, a local vineyard and winery where his product has been matched for
flavor and consistency to a well-known brand of housepaint. So young and so successful! The envy of all.
flavor and consistency to a well-known brand of housepaint. So young and so successful! The envy of all.
| .._. ._ _ _.... ._ ... _ ._ ._. _.. ... |
"The Law Du Jour"; an instruction manual outlining the fine art of making up laws on the
spot, by Judge A. Snarles, and demonstrated by our own Officer Cuddles;
"Officer Cuddles and the Dumbbell Nebula"; see Officer Cuddles in outer space. YOW!
"Police Wedgie: The Movie"; see the different techniques of "wedgie" removal used by
several officers of the Greater Omentum Police Department. Although Officer Cuddles
is a real sticker for photography and we wouldn't want to upset him, this highly
entertaining video should soon be up and ready for viewing. Beware of saying
"telephoto lens" around Officer Cuddles as the word "Grumpy" takes on a whole new
meaning.
| COMING SOON! More interesting reports from the City of Greater Omentum's Police Department |
Play the movie to see the unfortunate events when
an armed officer pulled a wedgie.
Joe Cool will present a seminar on this subject in
the near future showing what can happen when
firearms and wedgies are combined. Although the
officer shown in the photo above has his firearm
safely secured, Joe Cool's seminar will provide
in-depth training of how to maintain public safety
while adjusting a wedgie.
This is another fine example of how the Greater
Omentum Police Department really digs in to keep
officers up-to-date in all aspects of police work.
an armed officer pulled a wedgie.
Joe Cool will present a seminar on this subject in
the near future showing what can happen when
firearms and wedgies are combined. Although the
officer shown in the photo above has his firearm
safely secured, Joe Cool's seminar will provide
in-depth training of how to maintain public safety
while adjusting a wedgie.
This is another fine example of how the Greater
Omentum Police Department really digs in to keep
officers up-to-date in all aspects of police work.
DISCLAIMER: Although inspired by actual events, this page is for entertainment purposes only.
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ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE GREATER OMENTUM POLICE DEPARTMENT AND ANY "REAL" POLICE DEPARTMENT IS MERELY A COINCIDENCE. Right. |
| The "Funstuff" page will self-destruct on August 17, 2008. Maybe. Nope. Make that 2012. |
| "SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE ! ! !" "Don't annoy the Old Hippies -- they might start to sing"..... Officer Cuddles |