WELCOME TO GREATER OMENTUM
A PROTECTED COMMUNITY
 
Meet "Joe Cool (in 1959)" and his
nephew, "Officer Cuddles of the Greater Omentum Police Department". Both remain
classic examples of ego run amok and both do their own nude scenes.
The following will hopefully enlighten the gentle reader of the activities of
Officer Cuddles and his stalwart and brave but dim fellow officers.
OFFICIAL SITE OF
THE GREATER OMENTUM POLICE
DEPARTMENT
"Greater Omentum" is not
only the name of the place where Officer Cuddles works and calls home, it is
also the anatomically correct name for "beer gut".
PROUDLY stand the officers of the Greater Omentum Police Department, who
adhere to their motto "Rotundus nullius filius", meaning "round son of no man",
or "Fat Bastard". They take their job seriously. Really.
You too can proudly wear this badge on shirts and coffee mugs for sale at our
on-line shop .
Officer Cuddles takes pride in providing public information regarding certain
threats within the community, and helps the staff and officers stay on top of
current law enforcement techniques by way of the
GREATER OMENTUM POLICE
DEPARTMENT HANDBOOK OF
GANG IDENTIFICATION and OTHER STUFF THEY SHOULD KNOW ANYWAY
 This
chapter covers the signs of gang activity in our community. Officer Cuddles
works closely with Officer Smirker to provide timely information about on this growing
menace. These mature urban members of the North Emerson Ladies
Sewing Circle and Street Gang have been called extremely dangerous.
Officer Cuddles warns not to provoke any confrontation as many members carry
concealed weapons masquerading as joint replacements and surgical stainless
steel screws embedded in the metatarsal area, which would hurt like hell should
the gang member claim self-defense and lay one right in the officer’s kahuntas.
Ow. A typical gang member is shown at left.
The hand sign shown at left is the only one associated with
the North Emerson gang but can occasionally be seen flashed by old hippies (including
Joe Cool) and misinformed Star Trek fans. First used by a great number of
citizens in the 1960’s when George Bush I was a pilot and bombing helpless
people in Viet Nam, it is used very little under the current rule of George Bush
II and considered outdated and inappropriate by today’s standards. However, the
North Emerson Gang likes it. So there.
This is an example of the
territorial identity badge worn in conjunction with gang style clothing.
Members usually wear baggy jeans, loose fitting sweat or t-shirts and white
tennis shoes. These gang members can be heard opening a conversation by
saying “Hi!” and closing with “have a nice day”. -ooOOOoo!!- Subversive!
The only known graffiti used by the North Emerson Street
Gang is shown at
left. Usually found in the margins of notes written to and from individual gang
members, and occasionally on other paperwork. It is not unknown but extremely
rare to find this gang identification sign on the outside of any structure.
It is, however, found in massive quantities inside their gang hangout, a large
box-like structure full of gang-related objects and guarded by little old men in
blue vests.
 Another
vital tool for identifying gang members is a catalog of gang tattoos. Here is
an example of the various individualized tattoos associated with the North
Emerson gang. These diminutive and numerous tattoos are usually found on the back of each
hand, shoulders and sometimes on faces, usually across the nose, and are colored
shades of brown.
So far gang activity in Greater Omentum has been limited to
early morning rumbles at the local mall between the Blue-Haired Mall Walkers and
the North Emerson Sewing Circle gangs. Threats of "I'll sew you to the
bench" and the frightening retaliation cry of "oh yeah?" rally Officer Cuddles,
Officer Smirker, and Officer Jiggles to settle explosive situations before
they get a chance to start. Just think! The personal risks
undertaken by these brave officers just to keep us safe are above and beyond the
call. Wow.
A
NEW MEMBER OF THE GANG UNIT (June 2007); We are pleased to
introduce Officer Baldo Strut as the new Greater Omentum Police Department’s
Street Gang Coordinator, replacing Officer Smirker, who now lives in Argentina
under an assumed name.
UPDATE:
GREATER OMENTUM POLICE DEPARTMENT OFFICER TRAINING
CLARIFICATION OF
THE OBLIGATORY “G.O.M.E.R.” EXAM
(GREATER
OMENTUM
MEASURES
EXECRABLE “
RAP”)
A SCIENTIFIC STUDY
TO DETERMINE THE EFFECTS OF RAP “MUSIC” ON LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND OTHER
LIVING THINGS
A typical question in the G.O.M.E.R. Exam worth 30 points (a
passing score), to be answered after thirty minutes of hearing loud “rap”,
generously sprinkled with vulgar words and phrases:
Note the photo at left. Is
this an example of
(a)
a black hole
(b)
a full moon
(c)
both
Correct
answer: (c) both
As
you can see, all choices are correct. Having only one correct answer would
cause too many officers to fail and cause terrible confusion for the others.
These thoroughly trained professionals are encouraged to make individual
interpretations of each and every law. This seemingly unbiased method usually
gives a favorable decision to which of the parties has the
biggest…..
The complete practice exam was recently taken and passed by Officer Cuddles and
a civilian participant (pictured at left), who has been provided with identity
protection. Heaven knows what would happen if Cuddles found out he
had the lower score for taking too much time to answer the question. This also officially qualifies
Cuddles to hold the title of
"Number Two".
Isn’t it reassuring to know that the Greater Omentum Police Department’s ongoing
training is…. well….. ongoing?
More Greater Omentum Police Department
news:
Officer Cuddles has been busy! He decided to reissue his best selling
hits on a brand new CD.
(This CD is sold out. A new edition may be ready sometime this year.
Check back periodically for more information. )
COMMUNITY AFFAIRS
Officer Cuddles also helps the youth of Greater Omentum by coaching a
football team. Although there are many playfields close by, the games
played in the street are much more exciting! Here we have an example of
one of the team's trading cards. This team is the pride of Officer Cuddles
and other officers who stand and cheer while the team races across everyone's
gardens and lawns.
FLASHFEST 2005
Greater Omentum recently celebrated its annual "FlashFest" , and due to the
influx of participants from other cities, Officer Cuddles took on the
responsibility of recruiting additional law enforcement officers as a deterrent
lest the "Flashies" decide to have fun. Unfortunately, these new recruits lacked
training in the fine art of making the final decision as to the Greater Omentum
Police Department's interpretation of what is lewd and what is not.
For example, While on patrol on "The Ave", Officer Ogle of the Club House
Police Department was observed displaying a moment of indecision before
using his new taser on the lady he assumed to be a threat to the community:
Officer Cuddles, ever vigilant, saw this indecision and told Officer Ogle to
quickly use his taser as handcuffs would prove difficult to control this
dangerous detainee who claimed to be disabled. Officer Cuddles, always prepared,
provided Officer Ogle with a photo from the Greater Omentum Police Department's
Training Manual, showing what is and what is not acceptable:
A rumor that Officer Cuddles posed for the photo showing the legal show of
skin is unproven. There will, however, be a hearing on the matter to take place
sometime in 2015. Such serious offences take time to study, investigate and
prove. (At least ten years according to past misuse of police power
allegations.)
FLASHFEST 2006
 Officer
Cuddles again assumed the responsibility of providing additional officers to
assist with Flashfest Crowd Control, and hired Officer Streaker of the Fremont
Police Department, pictured at left, to help prevent participants from having
any fun at all.
Officer
Streaker is a stalwart, stark-naked-except-for-body-paint professional whose
creative uniform is appropriate for the hot weather usually associated with Flashfest.
Officer
Cuddles stated the concern regarding Officer Streaker’s ability to communicate
with Flashfest participants is unfounded. Although Officer Streaker speaks
fluent “Fremont” and dangles his participles, Officer Cuddles hopes this
example of cultural diversity be unconditionally accepted and any anticipated
outrage by the uptight citizens of Greater Omentum be considered an insensitive
reaction to a different culture.
Although
Greater Omentum's "Family Fun Flashfest Festival" requires many additional law
enforcement officers for crowd control, none - zero - zip - nadda are in attendance at the Fremont
Solstice Parade. Goodness.
Our reporter is convinced
that Officer Streaker is really cool and Officer Cuddles is a dork.
Stop by our links page to find more photos of
stark-naked-except-
for-body-paint participants in previous Fremont Solstice Parades, and
information about the Annual Summer Solstice Parade held at the Center of the
Universe. It is a wonderful event.
NIGHT COURT AT FLASHFEST 2006
Once again, Officer Cuddles coordinated a special night court to
deal with those receiving citations for having fun at Flashfest. Since cameras
are not allowed in the courtroom, our reporter obtained copies of drawings by an
incredibly-talented professional courtroom artist showing Judge Aminita Snarles handing
out sentences at Flashfest
 2005.
Judge Snarles shows no compassion for those who ordinarily wear clothing sized
in the single digits, and requires all defendants to participate in “Pudge Pinchers” rehabilitation program, (a behavior-modification
franchise owned by Judge Snarles and coordinated by Wendy MacDonald and Arbee
King) for those who must stop infrequent and uninhibited acts inspired by
outside influences. “They just don’t know what nice is”,
said Judge Snarles, who then returned
to yelling at the young women, for the promise of a string of carnival beads, had briefly exposed a portion of their anatomy deemed lewd by the laws of
Greater Ometum and enthusiastically enforced by police officers who obviously
ate too many donuts.
Since Greater Omentum doesn’t have other crime for
the police to pursue, looking for young women pulling up their shirts is enough
to put Flashfest detail on danger pay. Goodness! Between that and looking for
cigarette smokers, this personal peril deserves praise!
FLASHFEST 2007
This
is a proud moment for the Greater Omentum Police Department. The crowds on “The
Ave” didn’t materialize this year thanks to a series of “public service”
messages stating “we’re gonna getcha if you even think about breaking our laws”.
These announcements were very effective as law enforcement presence on “The
Ave” was greater than the “flashies”.
As a matter of interest, the special night court for Flashfest offenders was so
boring, Judge Snarles made an investigative field trip to “The Ave” and was
promptly arrested by Deputy Polyp of the Colon County Sheriff’s patrol
for indecent exposure. The windy conditions blew her courtroom robe up and
exposed pink undies and bumpy buns.
 Luckily,
our reporter was on the scene and took the photo at left as Judge Snarles was
subjected to the new “on-the-spot strip search” ordinance drafted by Officer
Cuddles. Our reporter had difficulties keeping the camera steady due to an
extreme case of the giggles. Judge Snarles was not amused.
FLASHFEST 2008
Due to heavy police presence on "The Ave", this year's Flashies formed a
theatrical group and presented a play for the enjoyment of all Flashfest
participants together with the long-suffering law enforcement officers who
protect and serve. Yeah.
 Mr.
Freel Feeley, well known author and former Flashie, offered a Feeley Freebie and
adapted his brilliant novel "To Feel A Cop" for the Duwadim Players' first
performance. Based on the true story of an unfortunate police officer's
personal injury suffered while subduing a reluctant and dangerous suspect,
Officer Cuddles delighted his many fans with a performance reminiscent of
actually having lived the true story of Officer Dick. Breastly Spitzer
gave a wonderful performance as the dangerous woman who put the squeeze on
Officer Dick, and Puppy Chihuahua's tender portrayal of Officer Dick's left
testicle was, in a nutshell, spectacular.
This play was a masterful representation of pure theater art. We look
forward to more plays based on the true life experiences of law enforcement
personnel.
WE INTRODUCE DEPUTY POLYP OF THE
COLON COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE
 Deputy
Melvin "Poot" Polyp’s assistance at Flashfest 2007 proved so valuable, he is now a full-time
consultant for the Greater Omentum Police Department. His specialty of
flushing out criminals is a result of his intense course of study while earning
his B.S. degree in Scatology.
His expertise in law enforcement allows him to sniff out illegal marijuana and
poppy plants, mushrooms and other natural organic substances used by responsible
adults for religious and entertainment purposes only.
 Deputy
Polyp must remain anonymous so his features have been erased from the photo.
His identity is proven by a characteristic hairstyle.
Criminals beware! Deputy Polyp and Bong, his
marijuana-sniffing police dog, are on the job!
Deputy Polyp
also owns and operates “THE
RUNS”, a local vineyard and winery where his product has been matched for
flavor and consistency to a well-known brand of housepaint.
So
young and so successful! The envy of all.
.._. ._ _ _.... ._
... _ ._ ._. _.. ...
COMING SOON
"The Law Du Jour";
an instruction manual outlining the fine
art of making up laws on the spot, by Judge A. Snarles, and demonstrated by our own Officer Cuddles;
"Officer
Cuddles and the Dumbbell Nebula"; see Officer Cuddles
in outer space. YOW!
"Police Wedgie: The Movie";
see the different techniques of "wedgie" removal used by several officers of the
Greater Omentum Police Department. Although Officer Cuddles is a real sticker for photography and we
wouldn't want to upset him, this highly entertaining video should soon be up and
ready for viewing. Beware of
saying
"telephoto lens" around Officer Cuddles as the word "Grumpy" takes on a whole
new meaning.
 Click
here to see the unfortunate events when
an armed officer pulled a wedgie.
Joe Cool will present a seminar on this subject in the near future
showing what can happen when firearms and wedgies are combined.
Although the officer shown in the photo at left has his firearm safely secured,
Joe Cool's seminar will provide in-depth training of how to maintain public
safety while adjusting a wedgie. This is another fine example of how
the Greater Omentum Police Department really digs in to keep officers
up-to-date in all aspects of police work.
DISCLAIMER:
Although inspired by actual events, this page is for entertainment purposes
only.
BUY OUR STUFF: Our online
shop for other items from Greater Omentum
is now open!
Comments or questions about Greater Omentum's
Police Department ? Would
you like to get email notices of new material on the Funstuff Page?
Contact Chris
ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE GREATER OMENTUM
POLICE DEPARTMENT AND ANY "REAL" POLICE DEPARTMENT IS MERELY
A COINCIDENCE. Right.
The "Funstuff" page will self-destruct on August 17, 2008.
Maybe. Nope. Make that 2012.
MAP OF GREATER OMENTUM.
There is no way out.
"SUCCESS IS THE
BEST REVENGE ! ! !"
"Don't annoy the Old Hippies -- they might start
to sing"..... Officer Cuddles
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